So I decided to brush the cob webs off and try write today,
I started this blog when Archie turned 5 to talk about what it was like bringing a child up like him and the journey us special needs parents go on, for a while it helped but eventually I felt like I was always ranting about what the local authority wouldn’t do to support us.
Last year was hell for me but not hell due to Archie well not direct anyway,
After all the fights I went through to get the respite I felt we needed as a family my actually family fell apart a few months after we received the support package we needed, how ironic.
In fairness we should have stayed separated when we split 4.5 years ago but we didn’t , regardless of the ins and outs of what went on and the lies and deceit I have come out of this happier and stronger than I have ever been.
But last year I was in such a dark place, a place I never want to visit again, I didn’t want the world to carry on I just needed it to stop for a while, I had my eldest who was wishing he was dead, I had Archie to look after and at the same time I was trying to deal with my own illness, I say illness because that’s what it was, I was suffering badly with depression and Anxiety so I checked myself into therapy, I wasn’t eating was only drinking very little and the weight was dropping off me fast, but within 5 weeks of actual receiving therapy I was feeling positive again, I was out running and slowly eating again. I surrounded myself with good friends and accepted the help that was offered, I took time out from my voluntary roles as a parent rep for both charities I worked for and concentrated on having fun with my amazing boys. This was not plain sailing it came with lots of troubles and tribulations and at times I wanted to give up again, if I am honest I also considered my boys would be better off in care, having a child with complex needs is difficult at times but what I was finding the hardest was dealing with Leon and his emotions he was in a dark place too but the help was hard to get because of course he is a typical child what problems could he possible have, we eventually were offered camhs (child mental heath service) to help Leon address his own issues but he wouldn’t engage he took his anger out on me instead saying he could because I will not leave like his dad did. watching your son suffering with anxiety and possibly depression and comfort eating broke my heart more than anything I really didn’t no what to do if I didn’t have the support of some amazing friends to talk to and the support group SWAN UK life could have been different for us, I was strong for Leon while they were all strong for me I thank you all.
Just when I felt things were moving forward things kicked off again and Leon refused to see his dad, and also his grandparents just another blow and support taken away, those who know me well no I don’t have family support my own mother passed away in 2007 and my dad was a very poorly man . with support again and advice from others I dealt with this and again we moved forward and learnt to cope in a different way. Not long after I had the biggest blow ever, my wonderful amazing father, my friend my dad and the only man to ever truly look after me passed away, my heart broke and I crumbled again, I wasn’t sure how much more I could take , how would Leon cope , how would I explain to Archie, would he understand 101 questions running through my mind, at this point I was hoping that my ex might step up but I saw no remorse from him at all and again I had to rely on friends and the local authority to put support in place so I could arrange my fathers funeral and attend it without the worry of dealing with Archie and having to meet his needs, I am so grateful for the LA respite centre, Grief is strange and we all deal with it differently, I watched my own extended family members fall apart too and my dads passing was effecting all of us, he has left a major gap in my life that no one will ever fill and in others life’s but as a family we have all pulled together and this brought me a little closer to my own family.
Taking the year out from been a parent rep, and also stepping back from the world of special needs and disability and just enjoying having time with my boys planning trips holidays and looking at what we can do rather than what we can’t and having complete control over what we do as a family now we are a 3 has been fantastic we have become closer than ever and now I can see a brighter future for us, I am not sure how I got to this place but I no I wouldn’t be here without my amazing friends and Facebook support its kept me going.
This last 3 months has been the biggest change though Leon seems happier, Archie is doing well in school even though still having the strange episodes of attacks and still waiting for neurologist appointment, and I have met a fantastic man so life right now is feeling great and the future looks bright. I am still not sure what it is and where it is I want to be but learning to find myself again and who I am is fun right now , everything else will wait right now making sure both boys are supported in a way they need to be and I have the support I need then we can carry on because one thing I have really learnt the only thing that is important in life is the right to be happy.